Prototype...

I was asked by my therapist...what do you want in a mate?
My answer...I don't know.

So I have been given the task of finding out what I want in a man.
It makes me think of the Andre 3000 song..."prototype."

I hope that you're the one. If not...You are the prototype.

I don't know what my prototype is...

I am not into those lists...rich, cute, 6'6. I've always thought it was a recipe for disaster, but I feel what Doc J is saying. There's a lot of similarities in the guys I've dated in the past that are just major fails. So why not figure out what I need...what works best for me.

Need 1: Belief in Family
I hate the phrase "Family-oriented" Murderers love their momma too.
But still this is important to me. More than anything, I want a family of my own. To grow my family tree. Me, a husband, some kids. It's a crazy world to bring children into, but I want to. I want to be a great mom and I want to be with someone who is as excited about having a bunch of babies with me and growing old with them. ABD was always into this, but his cutoff for procreation was 40. He's 38...so much for a van-full.

In other news, I've ceased sexual operations. This is not me standing on a soapbox yelling IM CELIBATE...My body has kinda quit on me. I'm not even craving it. Sex used to be fun for me. I used to love it whenever whatever....And I had no problem with cut buddies. But it's become so empty...so empty.....

Stomping at the Savoy...

I love Harlem. Never been there, but have always loved it. Random.

Anyway, I went to a reception with Sabi the other day for CBC. It was a fundraiser for this guy running for alderman of a ward in Chicago. When the three of us walked in and were introduced to him we all had the same reaction "He's hot." Then we talked to him and we all thought "he's hot and mad cool."

Me being the self-confidant person that I am, I'm like "man I got this. I look hot in this dress. My makeup is fly. My hair is just right. I'm charming." Then here comes Sabi with her effin smile. That smile that makes guys think of their first love: the 8 year old girl next door with 40 red barrettes in her hair. The fucking Gambian gets me everytime lol.

While I was sitting there, all I could think of was the movie Stomping @ the Savoy. In one scene, Vanessa Williams' character sees Mario Van Peebles' character and falls in love but he only has eyes for Lynn Whitfield's character. When he asks Lynn to dance, Vanessa has the ultimate gas face lol. So while theyre dancing, Lynn says "Why you dancing with me. You know Vanessa wants to dance with you." He said "I know her. I don't want to dance with her." Lynn says "You know her?" Mario says "Girls like her. I know all about her." So they dance their way right into a relationship. Then Vanessa's character ends up dating Calvin, the big hooch-running, club owner, womanizer. Sounds about right, huh?

I've said before that I feel like the girl guys want to bed not marry. Angola is always like "Youre so sexy to me. I just am so turned on by you." All the while, designing an engagement ring for another girl. And guys always want to have sex, Im not saying I'm special. But I think the vibe I give off is more Ertha Kitt less Phylicia Rashad.

Oh wellz!

Beth Ditto...

Yesterday, after discussing something in my previous post with a friend of mine, I almost called him to say "hey, don't share the blog with anyone mentioned," but I stopped myself. Recently, he had told me something and I told it to someone else. Even though I stand behind my reasoning for telling that person I still betrayed his confidence and could not hold him to not betraying mine.

My friends are gossips. Everyone of them. I do not know one person who doesn't like a juicy story about someone else. We all disect each others lives microscopically. I don't know if it's because of our constant need for information or if we're just all natural busybodies. I was gone from DC for 9 months, yet I knew who was sleeping with who, eating with who, lost a job, moved in with someone, threw up on U street. It was like I never left.

While we all gossip almost unmercifuly, none of us seem able to accept when we are the target of that gossip. For example: Saturday after the HU v HU game, I stopped by Ben's Next Door. A girl who is a roommate of some friends of mine, pulled my friend aside and asked "Is Tami drunk?" After the girl left, my friend told me what she asked. I was pissed. How dare she assume I'm drunk. She doesn't know me and what gives her the right to ask??? She doesn't know me! Those were my thoughts and not just my thoughts, but the words I said outloud over my meal (a very good medium done cheeseburger). I was indignant. Then I thought about it. I don't know this girl. But I knew who she made out with over the weekend. Knew who she hooked up with a couple months ago. All the drivel about her, I knew. So Im sure she'd gotten the same scoop on me. Tami drinks too much. She's wild. blahblahblah. And God knows what else. Did you know she used to be preggo? Her boyfriend dragged her out the house? She likes XYZ?

So with gossip I have come in the last day to accpet it in a "Ye who is without sin..." type mentality. When people share gossip with me, I have to be sure that they share my business and saying "Hey, don't TELL anyone," is almost a sure way to make sure that everyone on U between 9th and 15th is told.

Will this change? I odn't know. My mom and her friends gossip. Her sisters call to talk about each other. It goes on and on. Just like we thirst for celeb gossip, we are even hungrier for tangible gossip. Is it more exciting to know that Paris Hilton and Chris Brown (Two ppl ull never meet except for seeing on tv) hooked up or to know that Tami who u sing karaoke with and XYZ who you follow on twitter left the bar together? I'd say the latter...

Cleaning Up...

I need to write. Too much going on in life to hold it all in.
I have been talking to someone professionally abt my life. I just go in there and talk. This week she was like "you have a lot to say." Which is no suprise but hey it is what it is.

Since I last blogged, I've moved back to DC, dated and broken up with ABD (Almost Baby Daddy) for those of you who forgot, mom isnt talking to me really, been named team lead and employee of the quarter at work. Lots of ups and downs and thats just a summary.

Right now Im home from work with an end of summer cold and have decided to clean my room. Im messy by nature but theres a difference in my messiness. I can always tell when its a symbol of too busy vs. heavy heart. Right now it's heavy heart/too much on my mind. So Im cleaning up. Changing the sheets. Throwiing out the cans of coke. Hanging up the clean clothes. Lighting a candle. It's been a snowball of mess since I broke up with ABD right before Labor Day. Not even since then, since our last huge fight which occured in my apartment. That was early August and I havent done much with the place since then. Kept the common areas clean (i have roomies again) but my room itself, looks like I feel on the inside. Convoluted.

My drinking increased. Now I dont equate my socializing and going out to my drinking. But how much I choose to drink when Im out. Sometimes heavy drinking is cuz im having a ball. But the black out drinking comes from the same place as my messiness. So Im trying to reel that back in.

I like a guy, but he's in a fuzzy place himself with an ex. I don't want to be pushy, but Im pushy by nature. And he said he thought i had friend zoned him cuz I wasnt upfront enough. I feel like its lose-lose. Like if I get all up in his grill like "YO WHAT R U GONNA DO" hell be like omg thats too much im not ready. And if i just play it straight and homieish hell think just that, that we're homies. Weve had a talk about it. I really enjoy his spirit and company and conversation and hair. Hes a very peaceful person. Imma just enjoy being his friend. I am not necessarily in a place to build either, so I cant press him while Im a mess.

Anyway...like I said Im back...well see how long. Hope all is well with yall.

Done

"well yeah since you're the one that made up your mind. i said i was sorry a million times. i can do better by you but you said fuck it, so fuck it." - Sasquatch

Everyone wants a second chance. Or a third. or a fourth.

Sorry...I'm done.

And while some of it may have been me, I was wayy more harder on myself about my concerns than I should have been, because they proved themselves right.

Maybe I just wasn't into him...who knows.

On to the next one.

I'm moving back to DC too. Hiya!

damged...so fucking damaged...

as soon as i start to like someone
i lose myself
i like become crazy
i think theyre cheating
i think theyre lying abt liking me
i make myself upset
and sad
i dont act like the girl they fell for
u know the fun loving chick yall all know
yeh she disappears
she becomes depressed
deranged
she plays games
she sets u up
i cant even find the words for a fucking conversation

i.dont.know.what.to.do.

That's why that song...Diary by Wale...just pierces my soul....and the funny thing is...the person im pushing myself away from with my fucking hangups...is the one who put me on to the song inadvertantly. God I need help...

Shedding...

Im on a weight loss journey and for the first time in forever, I'm excited about it.
My mom & I are doing Jenny craig together and it actually works.
I honestly don't know if I could have done this in DC. The tameness of my lifestyle here allows me to be successful, but it's time and I needed to.
I told my counselor I wanted to be a size 10. My mom was like UH NO! People always say I'll look funny smaller than a 12 or 14. Will I? It maybe a stretch to say size 10, but what would look so funny? Cuz I'm 5.9 1/2? Come on....

Anyway...I weigh in tomorrow and I'm nervous. Last week i was nervous and I lost 3.3 lbs. Hopefully this week is just as if not more successful.

Uno el amor!