It Happened Last Nite

Prototype...

2010-10-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

I was asked by my therapist...what do you want in a mate?
My answer...I don't know.

So I have been given the task of finding out what I want in a man.
It makes me think of the Andre 3000 song..."prototype."

I hope that you're the one. If not...You are the prototype.

I don't know what my prototype is...

I am not into those lists...rich, cute, 6'6. I've always thought it was a recipe for disaster, but I feel what Doc J is saying. There's a lot of similarities in the guys I've dated in the past that are just major fails. So why not figure out what I need...what works best for me.

Need 1: Belief in Family
I hate the phrase "Family-oriented" Murderers love their momma too.
But still this is important to me. More than anything, I want a family of my own. To grow my family tree. Me, a husband, some kids. It's a crazy world to bring children into, but I want to. I want to be a great mom and I want to be with someone who is as excited about having a bunch of babies with me and growing old with them. ABD was always into this, but his cutoff for procreation was 40. He's 38...so much for a van-full.

In other news, I've ceased sexual operations. This is not me standing on a soapbox yelling IM CELIBATE...My body has kinda quit on me. I'm not even craving it. Sex used to be fun for me. I used to love it whenever whatever....And I had no problem with cut buddies. But it's become so empty...so empty.....

Stomping at the Savoy...

2010-09-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

I love Harlem. Never been there, but have always loved it. Random.

Anyway, I went to a reception with Sabi the other day for CBC. It was a fundraiser for this guy running for alderman of a ward in Chicago. When the three of us walked in and were introduced to him we all had the same reaction "He's hot." Then we talked to him and we all thought "he's hot and mad cool."

Me being the self-confidant person that I am, I'm like "man I got this. I look hot in this dress. My makeup is fly. My hair is just right. I'm charming." Then here comes Sabi with her effin smile. That smile that makes guys think of their first love: the 8 year old girl next door with 40 red barrettes in her hair. The fucking Gambian gets me everytime lol.

While I was sitting there, all I could think of was the movie Stomping @ the Savoy. In one scene, Vanessa Williams' character sees Mario Van Peebles' character and falls in love but he only has eyes for Lynn Whitfield's character. When he asks Lynn to dance, Vanessa has the ultimate gas face lol. So while theyre dancing, Lynn says "Why you dancing with me. You know Vanessa wants to dance with you." He said "I know her. I don't want to dance with her." Lynn says "You know her?" Mario says "Girls like her. I know all about her." So they dance their way right into a relationship. Then Vanessa's character ends up dating Calvin, the big hooch-running, club owner, womanizer. Sounds about right, huh?

I've said before that I feel like the girl guys want to bed not marry. Angola is always like "Youre so sexy to me. I just am so turned on by you." All the while, designing an engagement ring for another girl. And guys always want to have sex, Im not saying I'm special. But I think the vibe I give off is more Ertha Kitt less Phylicia Rashad.

Oh wellz!

Beth Ditto...

2010-09-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, after discussing something in my previous post with a friend of mine, I almost called him to say "hey, don't share the blog with anyone mentioned," but I stopped myself. Recently, he had told me something and I told it to someone else. Even though I stand behind my reasoning for telling that person I still betrayed his confidence and could not hold him to not betraying mine.

My friends are gossips. Everyone of them. I do not know one person who doesn't like a juicy story about someone else. We all disect each others lives microscopically. I don't know if it's because of our constant need for information or if we're just all natural busybodies. I was gone from DC for 9 months, yet I knew who was sleeping with who, eating with who, lost a job, moved in with someone, threw up on U street. It was like I never left.

While we all gossip almost unmercifuly, none of us seem able to accept when we are the target of that gossip. For example: Saturday after the HU v HU game, I stopped by Ben's Next Door. A girl who is a roommate of some friends of mine, pulled my friend aside and asked "Is Tami drunk?" After the girl left, my friend told me what she asked. I was pissed. How dare she assume I'm drunk. She doesn't know me and what gives her the right to ask??? She doesn't know me! Those were my thoughts and not just my thoughts, but the words I said outloud over my meal (a very good medium done cheeseburger). I was indignant. Then I thought about it. I don't know this girl. But I knew who she made out with over the weekend. Knew who she hooked up with a couple months ago. All the drivel about her, I knew. So Im sure she'd gotten the same scoop on me. Tami drinks too much. She's wild. blahblahblah. And God knows what else. Did you know she used to be preggo? Her boyfriend dragged her out the house? She likes XYZ?

So with gossip I have come in the last day to accpet it in a "Ye who is without sin..." type mentality. When people share gossip with me, I have to be sure that they share my business and saying "Hey, don't TELL anyone," is almost a sure way to make sure that everyone on U between 9th and 15th is told.

Will this change? I odn't know. My mom and her friends gossip. Her sisters call to talk about each other. It goes on and on. Just like we thirst for celeb gossip, we are even hungrier for tangible gossip. Is it more exciting to know that Paris Hilton and Chris Brown (Two ppl ull never meet except for seeing on tv) hooked up or to know that Tami who u sing karaoke with and XYZ who you follow on twitter left the bar together? I'd say the latter...

Cleaning Up...

2010-09-14T14:14:00.001-07:00

I need to write. Too much going on in life to hold it all in.
I have been talking to someone professionally abt my life. I just go in there and talk. This week she was like "you have a lot to say." Which is no suprise but hey it is what it is.

Since I last blogged, I've moved back to DC, dated and broken up with ABD (Almost Baby Daddy) for those of you who forgot, mom isnt talking to me really, been named team lead and employee of the quarter at work. Lots of ups and downs and thats just a summary.

Right now Im home from work with an end of summer cold and have decided to clean my room. Im messy by nature but theres a difference in my messiness. I can always tell when its a symbol of too busy vs. heavy heart. Right now it's heavy heart/too much on my mind. So Im cleaning up. Changing the sheets. Throwiing out the cans of coke. Hanging up the clean clothes. Lighting a candle. It's been a snowball of mess since I broke up with ABD right before Labor Day. Not even since then, since our last huge fight which occured in my apartment. That was early August and I havent done much with the place since then. Kept the common areas clean (i have roomies again) but my room itself, looks like I feel on the inside. Convoluted.

My drinking increased. Now I dont equate my socializing and going out to my drinking. But how much I choose to drink when Im out. Sometimes heavy drinking is cuz im having a ball. But the black out drinking comes from the same place as my messiness. So Im trying to reel that back in.

I like a guy, but he's in a fuzzy place himself with an ex. I don't want to be pushy, but Im pushy by nature. And he said he thought i had friend zoned him cuz I wasnt upfront enough. I feel like its lose-lose. Like if I get all up in his grill like "YO WHAT R U GONNA DO" hell be like omg thats too much im not ready. And if i just play it straight and homieish hell think just that, that we're homies. Weve had a talk about it. I really enjoy his spirit and company and conversation and hair. Hes a very peaceful person. Imma just enjoy being his friend. I am not necessarily in a place to build either, so I cant press him while Im a mess.

Anyway...like I said Im back...well see how long. Hope all is well with yall.

Done

2010-04-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

"well yeah since you're the one that made up your mind. i said i was sorry a million times. i can do better by you but you said fuck it, so fuck it." - Sasquatch

Everyone wants a second chance. Or a third. or a fourth.

Sorry...I'm done.

And while some of it may have been me, I was wayy more harder on myself about my concerns than I should have been, because they proved themselves right.

Maybe I just wasn't into him...who knows.

On to the next one.

I'm moving back to DC too. Hiya!

damged...so fucking damaged...

2010-03-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

as soon as i start to like someone
i lose myself
i like become crazy
i think theyre cheating
i think theyre lying abt liking me
i make myself upset
and sad
i dont act like the girl they fell for
u know the fun loving chick yall all know
yeh she disappears
she becomes depressed
deranged
she plays games
she sets u up
i cant even find the words for a fucking conversation

i.dont.know.what.to.do.

That's why that song...Diary by Wale...just pierces my soul....and the funny thing is...the person im pushing myself away from with my fucking hangups...is the one who put me on to the song inadvertantly. God I need help...

Shedding...

2010-03-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

Im on a weight loss journey and for the first time in forever, I'm excited about it.
My mom & I are doing Jenny craig together and it actually works.
I honestly don't know if I could have done this in DC. The tameness of my lifestyle here allows me to be successful, but it's time and I needed to.
I told my counselor I wanted to be a size 10. My mom was like UH NO! People always say I'll look funny smaller than a 12 or 14. Will I? It maybe a stretch to say size 10, but what would look so funny? Cuz I'm 5.9 1/2? Come on....

Anyway...I weigh in tomorrow and I'm nervous. Last week i was nervous and I lost 3.3 lbs. Hopefully this week is just as if not more successful.

Uno el amor!

The Happy 101 Award

2010-03-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

I've been seeing the Happy 101 award on a lot of blogs and didn't really think I'd get one. Thanks QC! I love your blog too. (I tried to comment on your post but I couldn't submit for some reason, but thanks!)

So here are the rules:

1. When you receive this award you must thank the person that awarded you this in the new post.
2. Name 10 things that make you happy.
3. Pass the award on to 10 other bloggers and inform the winners.

What makes me happy:

1. Hanging out with my Pug - Tuck
2. Losing Weight
3. Watching a movie with my parents
4. Playing with my neice, MoMo
5. Happy Hour with Friends
6. Being in a book store
7. Wedding Blogs
8. Taking hot pictures
9. Painting
10. Driving through the country side

This part will be hard because almost everyone I read has one already....Ill just list my faves regardless
I am awarding this to:

1. Single Black Male in Nova
2. Black Femme Fatale
3. The Baby Daddy Diaries
4. Just Get It Together B
5. Another Beginning
6. One Day at a Time
7. Until I Get Married
8. That Tiffany
9. imetro

In search of a word...

2010-03-13T07:23:00.000-08:00

He calls me babe or babes and has no problem doing it.
It rolls right off his tounge. One day we were talking and he just said I know babe.
And since then the term peppers our conversation.
When he says or does something sweet, I call him by his first name.
Not because I don't have warm feelings towards him, but because I'm so damn stoic.
Sometimes I'll use the word babe because he uses it but it's really not my style.
I tried sweets and sweetie. Not my style either.
Last night I was kinds bothered because he was really on top of things and I said "thanks X."
so I had to tell him if I use ur name It sounds Mad formal especially over text. But I mean so much more.
So this morning I googled terms of endearment. And the list I found sucks.
I hate the word boo. Hun. Honey. Sweetie pie. Dear. Omg. Abd used dear all the time and sounded like he was from 1935.
Help me out y'all. I have other nicknames for him. Sasquatch. But that's not sweet it's funny. I tried to shorten it to Squatch lol. They didn't work. Then there's Willie Bonds which is my fbook nickname for him. I use it to make him mad and so people don't know who I'm really talking about even though whenever I use it he replies like that's him.

What terms of endearment do y'all use? Where's sbminnova? He's good with nicknames.

I need something I'm comforable saying that matches my intentions.

I know this is silly lol. But help.

Stream of Consciousness..

2010-03-06T10:02:00.001-08:00

I cried yesterday. It was brief and spontaneous, but I definitely cried.
I have this ball...of confusion just orbiting around me.
I try to take it easy and just live life. But something is always in the way of that.

I am reading the Percy Jackson & The Olympians series and I like Poseidon. He's just a take it easy kind of guy. Like me. I dont like to be stressed out. About anything. The more stressed I get the more despondent I become. Im trying to fight that right now.

Ive been spending money on building my business. In the process, Ive been neglecting my bills. I need to catch up on a lot. Before it all comes tumbling down. What do I look like having a business and living in my car. (My car note is the only bill I pay ontime cuz my dad co-signed so he will get notice if its late and NOBODY wants that to happen lol). The other day I thought maybe I should get rid of the extra expense and just move home. Id save about a g or so a month. But that's not an option. I need my own space. I have two floors, 2 bedrooms and my shit fills the entire place.

I miss DC. I miss the culture. Im going to miss Spring in DC so much. I love Spring in DC. I wish I'd thought things through with my head and not my heart. But I was tired of fighting whatever I was fighting.

I feel like my friend J kind of abandoned me. When DB had my Wii and didn't send it to me, she threw a fit and was like that's triflin omg I cant believe he still has it. So she got it from him. Now I feel like that fit was more fueled by her feeling rejected by DB than concern for my shit or using it as a means to get him to pay her some attention. Because guess who still doesn't have her Wii? When I go to DC I dont see her and if I do she doesnt drive. When I call and ask her to send it to me, she doesnt answer or reply to my emails. I tell her Ill put the money in the bank for her to send it, no response. At least DB would eventually respond. But then on top of that, she doesn't call or even hit me up to be like hey and when I do I get the voicemail or the signoff message. And when I do talk to her its all these complaints about life. Oh well. I had to get that off my chest so I can move on. No hard feelings but I don't have time to make someone be a good friends. I have ones who are there for me and Im there for them and thats all that matters.

I feel like my damagedness is going to damage this budding little relationship. Whenever a man speaks anything good, I hear bullshit. Well let me clarify. When a man I like and would consider dating, speaks, I hear bullshit. Now when dudes Im not into say shit abt how theyre feeling me Im like "of course u are but too bad." This Sasquatch situation has me stressed out. I like him. He likes me. A lot. On both sides. Theres just something about the baby mom/ex girlfriend thing that doesn't sit at ease with me. I dont know if its past experiences or what...I wish Aphrodite would send me a sign (Percy Jackson joke).

Something in my life has to give...I still feel stagnant, even with moving and launching my business website and doing advertising, I still sometimes feel as if Im blowing in the flute but no notes are coming out.

Beef...

2010-03-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

I have beef with Indulj.
I put Indulj on. Not to have an ego about it, but people weren't checking for Indulj before me. I mean I was there inauguration and it was ass-empty and brought people and spent heavy cash. Bottle service cash. Like had my peeps not been there, they would have been closed @ 8pm because it was brick empty. Same thing with the whole $3 LI deal. We were the ones that ran through that every single Thursday. We'd be the only people in there and thats why I decided to throw Happy Hour there. People had their bday parties there. It grew. Because of my winter 2009 crew. Then they wanted to play me like all of a sudden they were in high demand. Uh ok. So I don't go there. Ive been there maybe twice since my bday and both times the managers tried to act like "omg u dont call us. u dont come" Ef u. when people ask me where to go on U Street, I send them everywhere but there.
So now it irritates me that I get invites on fbook to Indulj Thursdays - International Edition. No. Theres no International Edition. Pick a new name. Indulj Thursdays was my shit. Fucking groupies.

I'm back. I decided not to give up my blog.
But if you ever see me on tv, please don't sell my posts to TMZ.

I like Sasquatch.
Not going to the Cabins w/ Big Bear.

Deuces.

Bye

2010-02-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

I don't really like this blog.
I don't think I want to blog about relationships anymore.

So. You can read my event planning blog @ www.tamisawyer.blogspot.com
That's really me.

Maybe I needed this blog for a reason...but now.Im good.
Keep in touch though! @tamisawyer on Twitter

It's always me...

2010-02-19T09:47:00.001-08:00

I had a convo with Angola and in the convo we discussed why he had never attempted to take the next step with us. He said: "I never got the feeling from you that you were interested or looking for a relationship. You seemed to have so much going on in your life that something like that just wasn't in your plans at that point. On the day i met you, it always seemed to me that you were focused on getting yourself together and accomplishing your goals which is great and i guess my assumption always was she's at a bit of a selfish stage in her life which would be difficult to include a relationship."

This isn't the first time I've been told something like this. I'm like is it really me? Is that really a valid statement? Is that really what I put forth?

Yeh, I take care of myself. I pop my own bottles, but I don't do it and say "I dont need no nigga to pop my bottles." I just pop em, cuz thats what I want to do. And I do what I want to do. Am I really supposed to wait for you to do it for me?

I dunnoooooooo.

Little Acts of Love...

2010-02-17T14:17:00.001-08:00

Remember when sexy was subtle and being in love was cool. I'm an old school kinda girl at the end of the day.
Slow dance in an empty room.
Eat dinner we made together on the living room floor by candlelight.
Feel his breath on the back of my neck.
Brush our teeth together, only to climb back in bed.
Hum in the morning as I straighten your tie.
Hold hands on the metro.
Watch fireworks on a blanket by the Mississippi.
Dedicate love songs on Delilah.
Hand-writing letters on stationary that smells like my Marc Jacobs perfume.

Big Bear v. Sasquatch

2010-02-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have a crush. No big news there.
But it's on the wrong person.
The person I should have a crush on is Big Bear. He's nice. He's into me. He's caring. He does & says all the right things. He suprised me for Valentine's Day. Bought me a gift and a really nice card. He's taking me to Gatlinburg to the cabins for in March. By taking me, I mean, he planned the trip, paid for the trip and told me all I have to do is show up. Perfect right, what every girl wants. But I just can't get into him.
The guy I do have a crush on is funny. I talk to him everyday about ab-so-lute-ly nothing. It's just a bunch of shit talking back and forth. I like that. Banter is sexy to me. Me and Big Bear don't have that. Plus he's a u-streeter. That is like my soul mate. But he just got out of a relationship that produced two kids and they still spend mad time together and whomp whomp whomp.
But I said I wasnt gonna trip abt any of it and just let it flow...see where it takes me.
I feel a lil bad though, cuz I know Big Bear likes me a lot. He's told all his people abt me. EVeryday hes like "They can't wait to meet you. I'm so excited for this trip." ANd I think he thinks of me as his girl. That....That right there. Is a problem....I dont like being hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone. But I def don't have the "I wanna hang it up for you" feeling.

Anyway...something has been on my mind lately: Why don't people slow dance anymore?

Done...

2010-01-21T07:41:00.001-08:00

I hang out a lot w/ my sister-n-law's brother. He's 2 years older than me and we've gotten pretty tight since I moved back to Memphis. The problem is everytime we go out, we fight like cats & dogs. Screaming and yelling and then go home and call each other the next day like what are you doing?

The problem is he doesn't know how to talk to people, especially me. He thinks he can yell and scream and curse you out when he wants to. Last weekend we went out and he screamed and cursed and yelled in MY car. Mike Jones was in the car and didn't say shit. Then when he got out the car he was like sorry man she just pisses me off. Mike Jones says "oh its alright" and goes in my house. I was like are you serious. I was so angry. I took Mike Jones # out my phone the next day. That was the weakest shit I've ever seen. First of all, I'm grown and not going to be spoken to like I'm crazy. Second, I don't know how a man will sit back and let another guy talk to you crazy.

So I'm done w/ Mike Jones and I'm done hanging out w/ my bro-n-law. He was really my only roadie in Memphis, but oh well.

Situations...

2010-01-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a situation. Unless your 15 and fresh to the dating game, you probably have some kind of situation. Even having J.Os is a situation. If I started dating someone, Id have to break things off with Mr. Pure, forcibly. The emails he sends alone are detrimental to any relationship. So that's a situation, in the fact that theres some kind of communication and relationship that exists that would have to be ended to devote myself to someone else.

So as I said, everyone has a situation of some kind. The question is, how deep is that situation. The other question is are you willing to deal with my situation.

When I went to Talladega last year, I met a nice guy, Big Bear. I talked about him in the post: A Rundown. (a post in which i wrote abt the men in my life like im hard lol) But I did like Big Bear. He was nice, sweet, attentive. Just...in a situation. "Were not together...." type situation. Those are hard to believe type situations. Because you know 98% of the time, theyre really still hooking up.

I hadnt really talked to him since early December. Then today I decided to call him. I don't know why, but I did. He was happy to hear from me. After talking only 10 minutes, he asked me to go on a trip with him, all expenses paid. Now he's not taking me to Fiji or nothing, but its a nice trip to the mountains with him and some other people. It sounded nice...but as I told him and myself..you are still...2 months later...in this situation. Another question, comes about from people's situations. At the end of the day, how much do I care? If you're inviting me to the mountains...its your girl if shes ur girl problem, not mine right? Kinda...but karma is a bitch...and so are feelings...

So do I go? We'll see...

Anyway...Ill be in DC Sunday for two weeks. Mr. Pure on deck. Patron on ice. Im giddy and ordering lingerie. lol.

17 Again...

2010-01-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

About 3-4 months ago, a friend of my cousin posted a picture of three guys on her facebook page.

I commented on it after like 30 other women and was like "oh the one on the right is cute. u know i like thick country boys." Mind you every other woman said the same thing. Oh Nathaniel this. Nathaniel that. (Im using his real name cuz im not worried about him finding this lol...) And the posts continued even after I made my comment. It's not like he was super hot, I guess she just has a lot of single, thirsty friends.

NY Eve comes and I'm running around getting stuff together for my party. I check facebook and have a message from her. She said she told Nathaniel what I said and he wanted my number. I'm thinking out of all the girls on that page, why me. It had been so long and I had been mostly joking, I had to go back and find the picture. I found the picture, said ah, fine, and sent my #. The next day Nathaniel calls. I talked to him and he was kinda uninteresting. He's 40 lives with his aunt and uncle. Works only 3 days a week. I didnt have much to talk about. So for the next couple days he calls me like EVERYDAY 2-3 times a day. I didnt answer. When I finally did he's like man you playin gme. Im thinking um ok. So were on the phone and hes like what u doing and i was like abt to go to bed. Hes like touch ur thang. Ok...ur 40...u just told me to touch my thang. I was like im good. WHy we both grown? No, because Im going to bed. Anyway, from their it just got weird. I had to hang up. He has called me every day, numerous times a day, even though I dont answer.

Come to find out, he's a felon. Been locked up since he was 17. Just got out in August. No wonder he sounds like a 12 year old. I sure wish his cousin had told me that before I gave out my #.

Peeling Back Layers...

2010-01-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda prudish. I don't know if it's my St. Mary's upbringing, my semi-strict parents or what.

Im not one to prance around in a nightie or text u freaky thoughts. When Gordy would want to have phone sex, Id be playing a computer game or reading a book and inserting requisite moans here and there. When a man would talk to me nasty, I'd be like "uh huh" and blush. ABD used to get annoyed with it, mostly because I would retreat post coitus, kinda embarrassed at the things I said and did. But it felt like he berated me for it and instead of opening up, I closed up more.

Enter Mr. Pure.

So Mr. Pure had been one of my fave bouncers forever and as I think I've mentioned, I didn't really think he paid me much attention, besides letting me jump line, letting me ramble to him when I got drunk and went outside while JK smoked, and stuff like that. So I was def surprised when he came at me this summer. After we started talking and hooking up, he'd always text me salacious messages. I really didn't know how to handle them. I'd be sitting @ my desk reading all these texts about what he wanted to do to me and red faced and almost shamed. All my girlfriends teased me about it, but he was reallly graphic and I def didn't know how to reply to some of the stuff he said. I was grown enough to realize though that my reply texts of "oh thats hot" and "oh yeh?" or "I like that" were not getting it. Then one night, hes over my apt and he asks me what I want to do. Im like what do you mean? What we always do. So he stubbornly refuses to move until I tell him what I want to do. I was almost in tears by the time he took me out my misery and kissed me and took me to my room.

During that time, I went to Hampton to visit the Hubster. I dragged LJ with me to pick out lingerie. I didn't know where the urge to pack lingerie from. The hubster and I usually just fell into bed drunk at the end of a long night, but for some reason, I figured I'd go the extra mile. It was an agonizing shopping trip for me. Esp cuz the sales lady wanted to stand there and give her two cents. Clearly, I'm uncomfortable parading nighties around, I don't need a strange woman helping me decide between the black one or the pink one. I went with a black and white nightie and packed it in the bottom of my bag. The first night I was in Hampton, The Hubster pissed me off royally. I didn't even touch the bottom of my bag. By the time I finished screaming and crying, I was too tired to even get undressed. We made up the next morning, and spent the day in relative peace, until I broke my toe on his floor. That night we went out again and I got drunk and so did he. When we got home, I ran up the stairs as fast as I could with my engorged toe and dragged my suitcase into the bathroom to change. When he came upstairs, I was hiding behind the bathroom door. He was knocking like what r u doing? Somehow my Prudy Judy found her way through my drunkeness and was trying to emerge. I remember poking my head around the corner and saying um, I cant come out. Finally, he pushed the door open and saw why. He really just laughed and said "oh thats nice" and took me to bed. When I was on the train on the way back to DC, I felt like my whole lingerie experience was anticlimatic and unappreciated.

Back to Mr. Pure. So we keep in touch even after I move back to the M. He insists on letting me know what he's missing about me, and usually it's not just my smile. I start to come out my shell in my responses more. Even initiating a lil text-flirtation here and there. On my first trip back to DC, I stop by his club w/ OhOk and he has his arm around me and is talking to people and it looks like were just chilling but hes saying "what r we gonna do tonite." Im like "oh were gonna hang out" hes like "no...what r we gonna do tonite." So once again, im red faced, trying to hide in his arm so no one sees me and he keeps lifting my face like "what r we gonna do tonite." Its almost like I was having a mid-term. Finally, I just go ahead and start talking about all the things I want to do just so I can get away before I collapse from embarrassment. When he comes over he asks me why Im so shy. Hes like "I would never have taken you for a shy girl." "You don't ever have to be shy with me." That last line "You don't ever..." well when he said it...the way he said it...and the way he punctuated it...opened up gates very few people have ever been able to.

The next time I was in DC, I packed my nightie. When he came over, I opened the door for him with confidence. It was like I was passing a test, reaching a new level "Wow." Was the first thing out his mouth. He closed the door and took his time taking in everything. "All this for me?" It was like it was his turn to be speechless. He told me to hold on and went to use the bathroom. While he was in there, I perched myself on the King Bed surrounded by white. Like I was in a movie lol. When he came out the bathroom he expressed his appreciation again...and he showed it.

Since that last visit, theres really nothing that hold me back from being expressive with him. He can still make me blush, cuz hes WAY more out there than me lol, but I like being made to blush. Im glad he helped pull that layer back. He did more than he knows...or maybe he does know. I hope he likes what I just ordered for my next trip...

I like mr. pure...:/...lol.

Kisses...

2010-01-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

Kisses used to mean so much...

I was 13 years old standing on the dock of Ms. Cochran's catfish pond. Her grandson and I had spent most of the day out there catching and tossing back in fish, talking and running around the dock and through the daffodils. Late that afternoon, I felt something pull at my line and as I tried to reel it in, a wasp landed on my hand and stung me. JC saw it happen and rushed to me. I was crying more from the fact I was stung than the pain. "It'll be ok," he said and leaned in and kissed me. That was my first kiss...Those magical moments you remember...

Kisses were few and far between for a sheltered, all-girl private school kid like me. My friends and I were swamped with Latin, Algebra, extra-curriculars, summer sleep aways. Guys only fit into our sleepovers as we swooned over Tyson Beckford and the one black guy at our brother school.

Then I met Barry Rivers.

He walked into the candy shop one Sunday after Church. I was there with some of my friends from choir who were hoodwinking me into buying candy for all of them. He waved to the girls, all of whom knew who he was. He was the star running back at their school, the hot senior cliche. I had no idea who he was and continued to focus on my decision between black cherry or blue raspberry now or laters. After he left, the entire group fell into a tizzy. "He waved. Did you see him. Girl u know who that is?" I was unfazed. Then the door opened again and he walked back in. My friend Nesie said "Hey Barry, you forgot something." He looked at us and said "yeh, i decided to get something else." He went to the counter, got what he wanted and left again. Nesie screamed and grabbed me, "HE SPOKE TO ME." "Whoppity whoop" I replied. My lack of excitement didn't bother her though, she talked about him all through afternoon service and what she was going to say to him on Monday now that they were cool.

The next day, when I walked into my house after tennis practice, to see Nesie's name all over the caller id. Before I could put my bags down, she was calling again and screaming into the phone. "Where have you been? Barry Rivers is looking for you!" Apparently, he had tracked Nesie down in school and asked about me. She was giddy even though she had a crush on him. Better for him to like her friend than anyone else. She had given my number to him. I was more freaked out by the fact he'd be calling the house than the fact he was interested in me. But he called and I answered the phone before Dad could and from there it was a match made in Charles Dickens Heaven...

We were the quintessential opposite side of the tracks couple. Dates @ church and the candy store. Talking on three way, with Nesie putting the phone down, so my parents wouldnt know who was calling. All of a sudden girls who hated me at Church, were my best friends. "Oh u go with Barry? Can I sit with yall in Sunday School?" How everyone knew, I couldn't guess. I was naive to the small town gossip mill. Finally word got to my parents. I told them about him and they wanted to meet him. My mom made spaghetti and my dad went to pick him up...

Barry lived in a doublewide trailer with his brother, mom and dad and sometimes various cousins. My dad drove his Benz over to pick him up much to my chagrin. Barry had wanted to get dropped off, but that didn't work out...

While we were sitting on the couch in the tvroom watching a movie, with my parents walking up and down the hall to chaperone, the lights went out. Mason is prone to brown-outs (summer heat causing electricty shortages, esp during thunderstorms). My dad comes flying into the tv room with a candle. I did everything I could not to laugh at him. He says hes going to take Barry home now and I asked to ride. Somehow, Barry found my hand in the dark and held it the whole way there. When we got to Barry's house, I told my dad I wanted to say hi to his mom. He said ok.

I went inside with Barry and the only person there was his lil bro OJ. Without question I followed him into his room, where he leaned in and kissed me as soon as we closed the door. His kiss was sweet, like cherry syrup, from the candy he was eating lol. We made out for five minutes before I finally pulled away knowing my dad was 30 seconds from knocking on the door. That is probably my favorite kiss memory...

Me and Barry didn't last...but he'll always be special...

I was prompted to reminisce about all this, because I can't remember the last kiss I had that wasn't sex related or an attempt at sex. ABD used to kiss me, but I don't have any kisses from him that I just held on to. He was a matter of fact kisser. "Hello dear *kiss*" "Goodbye dear *kiss*" u know. Not usually "Oh I like those sweatpants, kiss." ... oh there was this one time, after I shaved his head...I remember that...but it did lead to sex...so I dunno....

I guess cuz I'm not an innocent 15 year old in the candy store, those little kisses are gone, but it'd be nice to have someone want to kiss me as much as Barry did again...And not like "I'm kissing you so we can fuck." But like "I'm kissing you because...just because."

Rainy Day Random Post...

2009-12-30T12:43:00.000-08:00

It's raining outside.

I'm sitting in my dark office listening to Mariah Carey's H.A.T.E.U.

I keep looking at this empty wine glass and thinking about taking it to the sink and bringing up my bottle of 901 Tequila.

How cliche right?

I'm lonely.

I don't have any male companionship except for Mr. Pure, who loves my body but doesn't know shit about me. And it's moments like this that I reach out to him...

Im not a lonely person...Im never really alone.

This is weird.

A.B.D and I could have been good...really I believe that...if...so many ifs...I try not to ignore the bad things...I find myself missing him a lot lately. I think it's that time of year. Christmas.NY.VD. u know, when you start to think about those people.

I dont like this post, but Ill post it...

I got lunch plans and im not dressed cuz Im sitting here moping lol. Ill holla.

Merry Christmas...

2009-12-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas is an annual final exam for the men in my life.

If I don't hear from you on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with at least a text message, don't hit me in the New Year.

For the most part, the end of the year wind down, shows me where people stand.

I'm not looking for gifts and hanging out with your family, but if youre texting me all week with your sex fantasies (#Mr. Pure), I think you have the time to say "Hey I wanna do xyz and merry Christmas."

If I don't cross your mind during the holidays, I'm def in 100% JO territory...and I'm not doing that anymore. Like a friend of mine said in response to the twitter trend #wecantdate.....#ready2getmarried.

Yes...Weezy...I said it.

Merry Christmas yall. Spend it with the ones you love. I know I will and the ones I cant spend it with, I let know I love them in my own way. CHEERS!

Locked-In Syndrome...

2009-12-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

There isn't anyone in my romantic life who should go with me into 2010.

When I look at my situations, none of them add anything substantial to my life or my future.

My current roster is Mr. Pure and Mike Jones. Both of those relationships consist of just sex.

While I doubt I totally cut off Mr. Pure, seeing as how he is in DC and doesn't take much energy, I def think I'm done with Mike Jones. I spend too much gas money on him. He's the only sex I have in Memphis though :(. But, I'll be alright.

I think it was Weezy who called me a sex addict. That is not hardly the case. I have sex when I want to. I've never really been without that capability. If I wake up and want to have sex, I'm having sex. Short of mother nature ruining things or my own schedule impeding the liason, it's rarely a case of, who can I run to. But none of that means I have a lot of sex. Weezy says I had more sex than her and she was in a relationship. Her bad. lol. *hi weezy*

I don't know why, but I've just always been pretty good at seperating sex from love. I've had my slip ups of course. Fell on the diznick and fell in love, but usually I'm more chill about it than the guy.

I think that's why I don't mind my situation with Mr. Pure. We don't exchange pleasantries, we just get it in and when we talk it's about...getting it in. It's the guys who wanna chit chat and cuddle that get to me. Sometimes I wanna say "you know what, be quiet and go to sleep." Cuz the hair rubbing and future speak, can't do it.

ABD said that was my fatal flaw. I was built too tough. He thought it was false though. Thought it was all a charade. But how can it be...if it is, i don't know how to change it. I try to be a feeler. Mushy. Lovey. But it's not in me. Mike Jones used to try to get me to slow dance @ the juke joints and I'd be like boy sit down. MiddleName used to call me crazy. He said the only time I was a girl was when I was super wasted. I guess one night I laid there and we planned a whole day together. We were supposed to go swimming an watch movies and do a bunch of other shit. Apparently, we spent the whole night *making love* and kissing and cuddling. Guess who doesn't remember any of that? All I knew was I woke up and was like ugh I'm at Middlename's house, what a failure. I got up and got dressed. I took his dog for a walk and came back and said I was out. He was trying to pull me back in the bed like "no we're supposed to play monopoly and do all this stuff today." I was like um are you serious lol? When'd we decide that? He really hated me for the next 20 minutes. lol. But seriously? I dunno...u know I think I let my guard down , but I don't. I've been hurt deep but that's not my swan song. I dont carry that shit around like armor. I dunno what it's about...But deep inside me, I feel like India Arie...U know? I'm ready for love...but how do I receive it?

Super Fail...

2009-12-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here, cleaning out my google reader, when I get a text from ~~Jake~~, who from this point forward we'll refer to as Mr. Pure, in the off chance that someone knows him. The initial convo goes like this:

Mr. Pure: You ok?

Me: Yup. What made you ask that?

(Now I asked him why he asked me because we don't do the "how r u" "how was ur weekend" "watchayadoin" texts)

Mr. Pure: I got a email from you last night saying WHO DA FUCK IS DIS at 1:14am and it was a reply from one of the pics of my ~~dick~~. So i know it wasnt you asking.

(Now we're not just sending nuddies back and forth. Sometimes he'll share the goods and I did once in response because I felt bad for not seeing him when I was in town. But we haven't in over a month.)

So, I'm sitting there thinking. What the hell? At 1:14am I was knocked out sleep. No one had my phone and my email passwords have recently been changed. Then I get this text:

Mr. Pure: Do you have a man down there? You can tell me. Its not going to change anything.

(What?)

Me: Lol. No I don't have one.

Then he tells me he's going to forward the email. While waiting, I get another text.

Mr. Pure: Like i said im not mad or upset. Im just letting you know. I dont want YOU to get into any type of trouble.

(If I had a man...we wouldn't be having this convo)

Me: I don't have anyone to get in trouble with. I really don't know who and how the message was sent. Cuz it's not n my sent messages

Mr. Pure: Ok.

Me: Sorry you got that though. Wish i had an answer.

Mr. Pure: Well someone sent it.

(Is it just me or is someone a lil angry?)

At this point, I am extremely confused, because it makes no sense. There's no outgoing email from me to him. He said he forwarded it to me, but it's not in my inbox. At this point, I think he's playing games. I consult Veggie, my go-to guy on all-things male, and he says, sounds like he sent you the wrong message and then tried to play it off. So, that's what I start thinking is happening. Then I get this text:

Mr. Pure: Its ok baby. Because i know nobody can do what i can to you. I know you drivin all them boys crazy down there.

(He's telling the truth...He is my GOAT...my BIEH...sometimes I THES...lol)

So, I still haven't received the forward with the email in it and I'm anxious, but cheesing cuz the convo has taken a new turn (some texts were not published, yall don't need to know all the things he can do...;) ) Then, I get this text.

Mr. Pure: You can tell me if you was with someone last night. Did you get that email?

(Ugh. This damn email again. So you was just buttering me up??? And what's with the obsession regarding whether or not I got a man. I don't! Plus you have never asked before. Don't start caring now.)

Me: I would've told you if I was. I was by myself last nite. I didn't get it. Where'd u send it.

Mr.Pure: To your email. I just sent it again.

Finally, the email comes...and guess who it's sent to: myfirstname.mylastname@yahoo.com

WELL NEGRO OF COURSE YOU GOT AN EMAIL ASKING YOU WHO THE FUCK YOU WERE! I HAVENT USED YAHOO SINCE YAHOO CHAT WAS IN BETA!

So, I tell him that the error is his and he thinks it's funny. So, you pressed me for two hours (thats how long the texting went on) about whether I got a man, cuz you can't remember to email me at gmail. Not my bad player...I was amused though, only cuz he's cute and the goat, but still...WTDTA?

Now, he's sending me texts abt what he wants to do next time I'm in DC...I should direct him to my last post and/or expedia.com.

Non-Stop 1st Class Tickets Ain't Trickin If You Want It...

2009-12-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

The heart isnt the only organ made fonder by absence.
Sample Text Message: Hey When will you be back in DC
Me: I don't know.
Response: Hurry up and bring my muffins. (or something referring to the fact that he would like me to know that he would like to have sex with me next time I'm in the District.

These texts don't come from just one guy. All my DC jos are doing it, w/ one notable exception by way of Billy. I am looking for a new job, so I wont be getting free trips to the district anymore...If they wanna see me that bad, somebody better start gifting tickets.

What is going on today? I typed that paragraph around 4 this afternoon. Now, Im sitting here having a gchat convo w/ Mambo. He im'd me out of the blue w/ "whyd we have to start getting cool right when you were leaving?" We used to beef...hard. But i used to go to the club he worked at a lot, so it was hard to avoid each other. I don't know what happened, but this summer, we did start speaking and being cool and since I been gone we've kept in touch thru all the social media. He's def a cool dude, but it's weird to be having a "clear the air" convo. He says "this is good for us to have a little break." uh...shutup lol.

You know. I don't know where I will be in 2 years. I don't know if DC is where I will go back to. I love DC, but I felt like I outgrew it. The scene is single, fnacy, free...I don't know if I want to be free...If I'm feeling like that @ 27...Ill def be like that @ 30!

Ugh...

2009-12-06T00:14:00.001-08:00

Seriously...

Ugh...

2009-12-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

Seriously...

My Dating Persona...

2009-12-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

You know these internet quizzes.
Well I took the one about my dating persona.
This is 80% true. Oussei would say it's true lol.
The part that struck me the most was: But even though you’re theoretically looking to settle down, you don’t settle long on one person.

I don't think I want to be that way anymore though....And when I don't settle too long, it's usually not really my doing that it's over. Gordy: Frequent Cheater; BJ: Immature; Troy: Baby Mama Issues; KD: Frequent Cheater; Chini: Complicated.

See not my fault! :)

The Sudden Departure
Random Brutal Love Master (RBLM)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You’ve been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you’re a really fantastic girl who doesn’t really know what she wants, and you’ve broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you’re there, either boredom or the old “grass is greener” syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you’re not the classic “love ’em and leave ’em” type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you’re theoretically looking to settle down, you don’t settle long on one person. “Serial monogamist” is probably something you hear a lot. “Emotionally loose” is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn’t really make much difference. Of course, it’s not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Sleeping Arrangements...

2009-12-01T22:11:00.000-08:00

Me and Tucker have been at my folks house since last Tuesday. He's such a gassy dog lol. I think I slept in my apartment no more than 3 nights in November. I like my apartment. It's a two-story townhouse. The interior isn't modern, but it's pretty nice. It's comfortable, but it's lonely. In DC, I was never ever ever in my house and when I was I either had company or was sleep or it was during my babygate quarantine.

I don't like sleeping in other people's beds, except for the beds at my mom and dads house. I am very picky about bedding and pillows. When I used to sleep at Tanks, I would never want to spend the night. He had no fitted sheet.One thin cover and 2 thin pillows. My bed in my apartment has six pillow, two throw pillows, two shams and a log. The beds in my parents house have at least that. I am usually surrounded by pillows. I know how to share when someone is in my bed. When I was in high school, I thought I should learn how to sleep on one side of the bed, so that I wouldn't upset my future husband. That of course was before make up to breakups and one night stands. If were buddies, I would much rather prefer you come to my place. My mom used to call me and say, "You don't have any men coming in your house do you?" She just swore I was going to get stuffed in a garbage chute. She doesn't know that the worst is way behind me. But, I hate having to get up, in the 4 am cold, drive home, 1/2 sleep and go get in my own bed. I'd rather you have to do all that, so that I can go to sleep and if you leave before 4 in the morning, I might not walk you out. For the most part, I'm not offended when you leave.

Of course, all of that is the rule book for J.O.s. If I'm serious about someone or actually have feelings for them, uh when I wake up, I suggest you're there, holding me, with a smile on your face. lol. But seriously. A.B.D. was a great bed sharer. I cried myself to sleep the one night he didn't hold me, because it was such a blatant rejection. He'd been pissed as hell at me and still slept wrapped around me, so not reaching for me the whole night was almost like being alienated. I knew where it came from, it was only a couple of days after the end of babygate and we were both dealing w/ a myriad of emotions, but what I needed more than anything, was to fall asleep in his arms. When he used to ask me what I liked about him, I'd tell him that he made me feel safe. I think he thought I was being cliche, especially since I don't walk around with the "protect me, damsel in distress" sign hanging. But with him, it felt like a shelter. Bad day? Crawl in his arms. Scary movie. Same thing. Happy? Same thing. Sad? supposed to be the same thing. But our communication wasn't where it should've been, so I guess all he heard was "Im a badass, I don't need you." When all I could wait for was his arms to open. If I weren't such a brick wall, I'd probably be crying right now, but I'm not. Oh well.

Mike Jones turns his back on me. Like as soon as he's finished, he rolls over and goes to sleep. Kind of like Mista in The Color Purple. "I just lay there while he do his business." lol. He's just country. Hes 38 and gotten away with it this long, I thought I could teach him better, but I gave up.

Troy is the only ex, whos home I spent more time at than my own. I practically lived with him. Even if he wasn't home, I was there in his house, doing classwork, watching tv, tutoring his niece in geometry. It was fun at 20, playing house, but it didnt last. It was like a fairy tale,a hood one. Think ATL. lol. I knew from the beginning it wouldn't last. Our age difference, our backgrounds and experiences, his line of work, none of that equated to a long lasting relationship. I feel like I came over his house one day and never left. It was as if I knew, the moment I stepped out the door, everything would dissipate. It definitely was fun though and I had my New New/Rashad romance early and got it over with. Because most Rashad's don't end up published in the newspaper, they end up like Big Boi selling drugs. And most New News, dont get their benz AND their plated gold necklace. They either get their plated necklace and 3 kids and disowned or they get their benz and memories of that fun summer w/ their trap boy. I was the latter...except it was winter. Anyway, the point was, he was the only ex, who's bed I could sleep in and it was probably because he rarely slept, and I didnt really have to share a bed. Who knows?

Anyway, Im yawning with all this talk about beds...
Uno - TAS

Sexting...

2009-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

I get this belated thanksgiving message from Jake talking about how he would have like to eat my Thanksgiving pie. Corny but cute and so Jake.
I was telling J about the text and it made me think of how often I would see him outside his job on the phone. As I mentioned, we have no strings, but I would still be curious to know how many Thanksgiving pie texts he sent.

Phones are a curious thing. Anyone watch Glee? Puck got played by Quinn for sexting with another girl, sending her into the arms of Finn again. That's real life shit, whether you're in high school or 27 or 85.

I have a habit of checking phones, whether I care what's in there or not. I checked ABD's phone the day we got back together (which lasted all of 2 weeks or so). He was in my shower, so I just picked it up and pressed a button. Honestly, I was suprised it wasn't locked. That made me want to put it back down. I figured if he's not locking his phone, he has nothing to hide. Then curiosity got the best of me. So, I went to his texts messages. All his sent messages were to me and his mom. Then I went into his received texts. Same thing. Until, I was about to put it down. You know you find what you look for and I found all these texts from girls over Thanksgiving, which was when we broke up the first time after Babygate ended. So he thought we were done, and clearly reached out to or finally responded to these chicks. Which didn't bother me, cuz I mostly did the same thing. Then I see this naked pic of this ugly ass girl. And she wasn't ugly cuz Im a hater, she was ugly cuz she didn't need to have her clothes off. I'm no skinny chick, but ... anyway, its not about her. I was so through with him. I don't know why. He just didn't seem like a send me a naked pic guy. But then I did the adult thing and told myself I couldnt and wouldnt dwell or get mad about it. When we broke up again, I did almost tell him to enjoy his ugly fat porno star...but I didnt.

Gordy, the Super-ex, he was a phone pro. Phone locked. Seperate folders. It took security clearance to get through his shit. He slipped one day, when I told him I wanted to play a game on his phone and we were in a class, so he couldn't grab it from me as I broke my own heart reading his I love yous to an ex. You would think I learned then, but I didn't.

Texts tell a lot about people. If you look at mine, all you see is a bunch of b.s'n and plan making. Where you at? What time you getting to the party? You in DC? Unless you look @ me and Jake's texts of course. But I think if people have mass texts about certain things, its a turn off. Take Tank for example. He was a Memphis J.O. for years. When Gordy and I would break up in the late years, I would kick it with Tank and then after we were done for good, if I wasnt dating someone, I would kick it with him when I was home. When I moved back to Memphis, I spent the night at his house. For the first time, in all the years weve known each other, I checked his phone. What made me check it was the fact he sent a text taht said "Hey U :)!" It almost looked like spam mail. So I went into his phone and sure enough, he had sent that text to like 10 chicks. I was disgusted. Then I saw texts where he's asking chicks for money. (NEVER EVER Happened with me.) Or telling girls, "dont delete my #, imma be here when he fuck up." I was like who is this guy! Now he calls me all the time and I don't answer. Funny, He sent me a text yesterday saying "Hey U :)" I just laughed and hit delete.

Some guys are smart. I don't think the Husband has ever left his phone around me unattended. He doesn't even really take phone calls in front of me. Which is good on his part, because I don't want to hear it.

As I type this, Im thinking people out there are gonna think, omg, she's effin crazy. I dunno. If I am oh well....Your girl is doing it too. :)(jokes)But really, its just a bad habit brought about by amusement and sometimes distrust. I do try hard not to throw anything I find, good or bad in a man's face, but I can't help if it alters my feelings or behavior. I won't tell them it's from a text...Ill just say "I got a feeling..."

I got papers to write.
Uno - TAS

Tucker

2009-11-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

I've been keeping a secret.
Mostly, because I know a lot of my friends will ridicule me when I tell them.
But, a week has passed, and it's become a big part of my life, so I'm sharing.
There's a new man in my life...His name is Tucker.
He's a Pug.

Tucker isn't my first dog...nor my first Pug, which is why I said my friends are going to say "Really, Tami?"
I got him the weekend I got back from my last trip to DC. As I mentioned, my life here in Memphis is relatively tame. I spend most of my time @ my parents house. Not like when I had my other dogs and couldn't train them, because I was always in the streets. Tuck's a sleeper. Like right now he's under my feet asleep in the blanket I had wrapped around my shoulders. If I couldn't hear his loud breathing, I wouldn't know he was there.
We're getting along pretty well. My last Pug, Kate Spade, was wild. Tucker, not so much. He eats, sleeps and 60% of the time uses the bathroom outside. I think our relationship will last. He's a good dog.

My husband, a fond term for an old friend of mine, is supposed to visit me next year. He's allergic to dogs, but he actually got along w/ Kate Spade pretty well, and that's neither here nor there anyway.

It's raining out but we had to go out anyway. He didn't cry like I thought he would. Such a well mannered pup. My parents get back from a week in Chicago today. Gladys (my mom) is gonna have a fit when she sees him lol.

Ive got schoolwork to do and a house to clean and job aps @ MGM Gold Strike to submit. So I'm off...

-TAS

A Rundown...

2009-11-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

Since my ex, who Ill call Almost Baby Daddy, and I broke up, I haven't done the whole "serious thing." I won't play hard and act like I'm not about a relationship, but my own actions haven't lended towards that road, and I've accepted it for the most part. Sometimes, I do feel like I play myself. If someone has interest in me, I play it off. If I have interest in someone, I play it off. I have no problem having sex and being detached, which as A.B.D. says, can turn men off. He used to say it was a defense mechanism. He may be right, but it also comes from disenchantment and general disinterest. I know what kind of man I want to have a family with. It's hard to spell out in words, because then you get a cheesy list like "loves his family, respects his momma, fears God...". I just know who he is and that there may be more than one he. I think I have met him before, and time just wasnt on our side. I do believe I'll meet him again and may even know him now. For now, it is what it is. Memphis, my childhood home, and where I live again after 5 years as a DC nightlife staple, is boring. I don't do much. I go to the casino with my mom. Hang out at my parents house. Go to Wednesday happy hour with the same five people, get drunk, go home...alone. I somewhat regret my decision to move. It was motivated by a lot of things, mostly the pain from babygate. But, I wish I'd manned up and dealt with it, instead of fleeing DC. I had a lot of friend turnover in the district, but Ive come to find thats natural, esp in a city as transient as DC is. But, I am here in Memphis for better or worse until I finish my masters and then Im off again...unless theres a better offer on the table...which I doubt will happen.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not negative. I just think that at 27 1/2, not much is on the horizon to change relationship-wise in the next year, unless theres a bidding party already known to me. I will say, that I have my eye on one person already in my life. Not Big Country, that was a joke, but someone who fits most of the characteristics of my future He. And Im not trying to get 10 for 10 here, because perfection does not exist. He's a little too introverted, but he tempers my extreme extorvertness in a way most try to, but can't. Hes very gentle and thoughtful. Im not jumping on it though or putting out feelers. This one, will have to be handled very carefully, if at all.

In the meantime, there's Jake, who gets no nickname, cuz the average person doesn't know his name anyway. You could walk past him on U Street and you still wouldn't know who I was talking about. He's my favorite lover, which is sad, cuz I don't see him often him being in DC and me being in TN. We don't talk though. Except for, can't wait to see you and what time's your flight land and when you coming to town and I'm walking past your club. No depth there...I did try though, but we didn't get far with that one. Sometimes, you need a person like Jake. 150% no strings attached. If we never talked again, thered be no heartbreak, just fond memories. No worries about the other doing whatever whenever with whoever. Just us, when it's us. and me when its me.

Then theres Big Bear, a very tall and very big man from Alabama, who likes me way more than I like him. I don't like him at all actually. Not in a romantic sense anyway. He's a nice man, just not for me. There was a tequila induced romp, but I came away with little feeling...he came away in love. The thing is he's 42 and lives with a girl and they have a baby. lol. Dont ask how I got here, but I had to dead it. I told him that wasn't me, to be in this situation. Hes like he's getting out of that situation. But, that's not attractive either, to leave your 26 year old girlfriend with your 6 month old baby because you fell for another 27 year old? What happens when the next 27 year old comes around? #Imgood. So my thanksgiving wish to him, came in the form of its done...theres not a 2nd time...no more fone calls...no what ifs. I don't want to lead him on into making moves thinking im interested. Dont need that on my conscience. Something tells me hes not going away easily, but I have no interest, so he can do what he wants, Im over it.

That's where I am right now. Men-wise.

Im also working on getting into casino marketing. I have been applying for jobs left and right at the casinos in Tunica. No word yet, but I submit my resume and submit a prayer and keep on trying. Las Vegas here I come. ;)

-TAS

Why I'm Here...

2009-11-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

I used to blog all the time..back in the days of Xanga.
Then I stopped somewhat abruptly. My boyfriend at the time, was an internet whore. This was a fact that I was unaware of since, I met him not on the internet, but in Adams Morgan. He took all the precautions necessary to keep me from knowing about his extensive dalliances on-line and succeeded pretty well, even though we were both huge internet users: message boards, blogs, aim, gchat, myspace, etc.
One day, I logged into my Xanga account and checked the footprints left on my page. Suprisingly, there were multiple footprints from a user, I had never seen before. I went to the persons page and saw that it had just been created that morning. I thought it was weird, and went back to the footprints and saw that the entries she read were all tagged with my bfs name. Then I got an email, from a girl, saying we needed to talk. I figured the emailer was the Xanga snoop and made the phone call. What followed was your typical he was with me when you were xyz admittance. I dont know how the girl found me, Yahoo 360 or something. It didnt matter, I was over the relationship and this pretty much deaded it for me. It also deaded my Xanga page and for the time being my desire to blog. That was 2006.

Since then, I have had blogs here and there, mostly thru tumbler, but nothing stuck. I didn't enjoy blogging as much as I did before. Then last year, I found myself pregnant by my bf (not the same guy of course). I started a blog on wordpress, chronicaling my changing body, my relationship with him and life in general since I had discovered I was pregnant. This page was not for everyone, I didnt attach my name or any images to the blog. A friend betrayed my trust and shared the link with a group of people I didn't and don't deal with. They spread the link and false stories throughout our interlinked circles of friends and acquantinces and there goes another blog shutdown. The pregnancy did not go to term, but I wish I still had those entries from Martini to Milk.

My life has calmed down somewhat, since I removed myslef from the hustle and bustle of U Street, but it still has its drama, as I attract it and sometimes enjoy it. There are things that I want out of life and I find my head spinning everyday, so I decided to start back up a blog and drop whats in my head here. The title may be misleading. Its not all about a party or sex, but just me. I'm a nightowl. A semi-reformed party girl trying to find my way in the world. I don't care who reads this anymore. You could be my mother. It is what it is. Do with it what you may. Enjoy.

-TAS